Oh Golly

Let me tell you about Golly.  This was baby #2 for us.  We found out I was pregnant early, about 4 weeks, in at the beginning of Nov.  This time when I took the test I decided that Beard was definitely going to view the results first. The smile that was plastered on his face when he came out of the bathroom was not one that could be faked, so I knew our hopes and prayers were answered...again! It had only been 2 months since I miscarried the first time, so I was just so tickled that we conceived again so quickly. God blessed us with new life so soon after such heartache, and I was beyond thankful.  My mom was up visiting and being able to tell her in person was a special treat for both of us.  Finding out the news kinda put a stop to the work I had been doing on our newly purchased house, but with the help of our parents and lots of dear friends, the place was still getting whipped into shape. Again, the timing just seemed so great.  We had our new house, and we would have 9 months to get settled in and ready for Golly.  < I will insert here that i was just so so hungry, seemingly all the time.  I told someone that I think I was growing another Goliath, aka Golly. :] > We didn't share our news as quickly this time, mostly because we found out so soon. I felt like I was just bursting with the news for those few weeks, and we were planning to take an announcement picture to send out with Christmas cards.  Seemed like such fun time of year to share the news! Thanksgiving rolled around. We were in Iowa visiting Brad's Aunt and Uncle and their family.  It was a much anticipated trip that was guaranteed to be a load of fun! I felt fine Thanksgiving day, but when I showered that morning I noticed some spotting.  To say that my heart dropped to the floor in an understatement.  And that's how it began. The beginning of the end for little Golly. No place/situation is ideal for a miscarriage, but lets just say that's not what I was planning for the trip.  And Thanksgiving day.  Did I still have things to be thankful for? Yes.  Was it hard to keep focused on them instead of what was happening? Heck yes.  The grief was always there, but it didn't play out physically as it did for me with baby #1. I'm guessing it's because I really tried to still engage with people there and not just put a total damper on the trip.  When we got home I think I thought it would hit right away, but again it didn't.  I NEVER like to completely lose hope until I'm sure it was a miscarriage, so I think I held on to that tiny fact.  About a week later, I knew for sure.  That was emotional of course, but still.  It sorta worried me that I wasn't down and out for days like the first time.  This was/is NOT something I want to get used to, and "take into stride" . But as time passes, I know its not.  If I'm honest, there are two tiny aches that I feel in my heart daily.  I know I am not without children and that I will see my babies in Heaven one day, but does that quench the desire to feel them grow and kick inside of me, to go through labor pains to deliver them, and to hold them in my arms and just breath them in?

no. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

 Jeremiah 29:11

I know that God is not working against us on this.  We can't see the bigger picture like He can.  All He asks of us is to keep faith, be patient, and cling to him.  Thank goodness we have promises like the one above to hold on to on dark days.  I have a strong belief that we will have biological children someday. Until then I can only do my part and keep praying, stay healthy, and trust that he has the perfect timeline mapped out for us. I have two angels up above looking down on their mommy and daddy every day, and for that little fact, I am thankful.  

I know heartache has hit very close to home for a lot of us in the last few months.  I lost two cousins before Christmas, one to Lou Gehrig's Disease and one to a terrible farm accident.  A coworker of 4 years had two of her siblings hit by a car when they were biking home.  The list could go on.  These are tough times for all of us. I'm sure you have similar situations that come to mind as you read this.  There are many  many people grieving.  I think of my own grief for two small babies that I have never met or held a conversation with, and I try to imagine a father's or husband's or wife's grief losing their loved one with whom they have shared many memories and conversations with. We can all be there for each other, but God can actually feel the grief that we feel.  He is so so huge, and all knowing, we can go to Him with ANYTHING.  This is not the time to pull away from Him and hole up in our own little world.  We need Him to get through it, to survive. And we need each other.  It's not always about having a story to tell to "relate" to someone in their time of need, its just giving some time to be there for them. Praying for them from afar.  Letting them know that you are thinking of them.  Letting God's Agape love flow through us and translate to them. I know I have needed it before, and I can only hope that I allow myself to be a vessel to someone else who needs it. 

These posts ( first one here) are hard for me to write.  By nature I am a more upbeat, make you laugh type of person.  So to dig deep into my soul and stir up the feelings that I don't always wanna feel enough to translate into words takes awhile for me.  But they need to be spoken, and remembered. So here they are.

I am thankful for my husband, and how he gets me.  God blessed me with a good man, and I will end a difficult post with a pleasant thought.  Today marks 1.5 years of marriage, and we are just getting started. :)